Day 26: Five Words That Describe Your Life

Okay, back to my normal posts, right? After yesterday’s rather dark post, “A Current Worry I Have”, let us have a fun post about the words that describe my life. I think that it is much needed, and far lighter, to talk about these things today.

Dreams

“Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it” – J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

This is part of the drive that I have. If there is something that I long to do in life, then I will try. The bigger the goal, the more the sacrifice. Much like the oath that I took to enter the army, and the visceral essence of it, sacrifice is in my nature. For my family, I will sacrifice more than I have already, for the check is blank for them.

Adventure

“I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I’ll go to it laughing” – Herman Melville, Moby Dick

Life is an adventure. You can sit back on your laurels and let it happen around you, or you can dive headfirst into it. Trust me, for all that I have been through, it would be far less fun to worry so much about things we cannot control. Take the leap, and enjoy the ride.

Fortitude

As I spoke about in my Day 18 Post, “Your Biggest Plot Twist”, I am still here. The odds have not been in my favor from time to time. But I do not give up. Ever. As Richelle Goodrich said in Making Wishes, “If you plan to build walls around me, know this-I will walk through them”.  It is true. In my wake I will leave the folly of those that have tried to stop me.

Marrow

Another one of my quotes that I like comes from Thoreau’s Walden. “…live deep and suck out all the marrow of life”.

Much like adventure and dreams, this is all about getting the most out of life. Time is far too short to live hungry for the essences that can propel us. Find what you enjoy, and do it. Do not let you… or anyone… hold you back.

Fatherhood

I could not have a list of things that describe my life without fatherhood. Next to being so lucky to have (somehow) won my beloved over (see my Day 1 post, “Five Ways to Win My Heart”), being a father is a close second. I LOVE being a dad. Even through the tears, stress, and worry, it is all worth it. My kids let me know that I am alive, and force me to feel young. To be fair, they force me to feel old as well.

Live big, love bigger, and be kind always.

Day 25: A Current Worry You Have.

Come on! Seriously! I am a dad and you want me to just haphazardly write about “A” current worry? You have got to be kidding me. How can I pick just one? There are new things every day that come to mind, and some that keep me up at night. I mean, did you read my Day 23 post “Something That You Miss”? That entire aspect is just a glimpse into the worry that I have these days. Well, this is my thing, so I am going to do my own thing. Settle in for a bit, dear readers, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

I worry about my weight

Yep, why not start right there this morning. Worry is way too small of a word to use about the loathing feeling that I get when I look in the mirror. IF I had to narrow all of my worry into a zenith of epic proportions, this would be it (pun totally intended).  My weight impacts my ability to be a father, and husband, every single day. It has not always been this way. In fact, once I was in fantastic shape. Thanks to the Army, and being in a constant state of combat readiness, I could run for days. My strength was only outmatched by my determination to do it all.

Sadly, like many others, my body has not responded well to civilian life. Wholly, I admit that it should be said that I have failed my body in its attempt adjust. In the wake of deployments, divorce, death, and complete life changes, I became lazy. I succumbed to the futile idea that plagues the young, thinking that my body would always be the same. Now, the ever-present disgust in the way that I look has reached epic and dangerous levels.

I know what you are thinking about this worry.

I am not oblivious to the constant snicker that MANY have when people talk about their weight. It always follows the same train of thought. “If you are SOOOO upset, then do something about it”.  This sentiment has always angered me. The callousness towards a worry of this nature is part of the problem that we have today. The relentless self-image issues are causing so much pain. Many harbor pain and anguish as adults, feeling trapped under their own weight. When it comes to the young, God forbid that we do a better job helping, listening, reassuring. Every day kids are taking their lives for being picked on. Much of this starts from how they look, or what they weigh. But how much of this sits on our shoulders?

But, this is about me. Right now you are asking what I have done to make it better. Let me let you into the darkness that surrounds this worry for me. Something tells me it is the same for others. Perhaps your opinion of me will be shattered. But that is the risk I take in talking about this.

The ramification of this worry

Do you know what it is like to look in the mirror and EVERY time not believe what you see? Then, to instantly hate what you see? No, not your trifling dislike. Hate, resentment, rancor emitting with every breath. The unquenchable desire to slug the mirror, not just to shatter the image, but that which is causing it. Do you know that feeling? I do. It is how I feel, every single time that I look in the mirror, or at a picture of me. Every. Time.

I am barely eating during the week due to trying to get work done. I am EXHAUSTED.  Not just like, a little tired every once and a while. I mean to the point that there is worry about my lack of sleep affecting my mental and physical health. A person can only survive on five or less hours of interrupted sleep for but so long… and it I has been about 10 year thus far.  I have tried biking, going to the gym, watching what I eat, meditating, swimming, and much more. Progress is there, but it is slow.

I hate the way that I look and feel. There is a constant level of disgust in myself that I have. It is bad.

Absolution of this worry.

Every day I have lived in this world. Surrounded by my self-inflicted abhorrence for what I look like. It is a dark and scary place that worries those who know about it. Looks like that circle may have gotten a bit bigger because of this post. I can live with that.

My beloved bride, is a saint. She is the most reassuring and amazing person I know. She FIGHTS me on this worry, every day. It is a weird place to be in to know that the love of your life only has one thing that she would change about you. That thing being the repugnance that you have for yourself and your looks. She hates that I hate myself, and tries all the time to counter this with love. She is awesome.

I am trying. I want to get healthier. To be able to play longer with my kids, hell to be around longer with my kids. This is a relentless uphill battle, and I never truly talk about it. It is my cross to bear, but perhaps putting it here will spark a change in me that is needed.

Live big, love bigger, and be kind, always.

Day 24: Five Words That Make You Laugh.

Words are fascinating. Have you ever stopped to realize that many, many people have a favorite word? Or that there are those out there who have a favorite letter? I know this to be true… because I am one of those in the latter. But more on that at the end of this post.

Words have the innate power to create and destroy. They can lift us up from the depths or they can knock us from the highest heights. The simple uttering of even a single word can cause a heart to flutter in excitement, or break in despair.

We are all taught that “sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me”, and it is a lie. It is something that we tell children to try to teach them to just let things go.  You know what, it never truly works.

Seriously, you, the one reading this right now, do you really want to tell me that words will never hurt you? Think back to the last fight that you had with a loved one. The stinging words flying from the tongue of someone you love. Slicing through your skin, and too your heart. What about those moments in a hospital when a doctor walks out, and the room goes silent. It is not the wringing of their hands, or the grief on their face that causes the lamenting cries of heartbreak. It is the words that they say.

Five words that make me laugh? Perhaps it is due to the reverence I have for words that I cannot think of any. Does that make me strange?

Five Words That I Love

Instead, provided without explanation, here is a short list of five words that I love.

Quiz, Wander, Neophyte, Quixotic, and Denouement.

In all of its strangeness and glory, it is my list, and I am happy with that. Of these, my favorite is quiz, and for this one I will give a short explanation. Take a moment and grab a piece of paper and something to write with. Then, in all lowercase cursive, slowly write the word “quiz”. Heck, close your eyes as you do it, feel the way that your hand moves, bending and flexing. Now, open your eyes and look at it. For the way that it feels to write, and the way that it looks when written, I have felt this to be the most beautiful word in the English language since I was in middle school.

Oh, and my favorite letter, it is Q.

Live big, love bigger, and be kind, always.

Day 23: Something that you miss.

Having things that we miss seems to be embedded deep within human nature. Though I did mention in my Day 10 post, “The Opportunity that Got Away” that I am not one to holding on to things, this is different. It is also, sadly, apropos, for many of the things going on right now. I would say that one of the things that miss the most is childhood.

Not all childhood. But, as should be expected of me by all of you by now, a finely narrowed part. I miss the carefree way we used to be as children. I am not talking about how we, as adults, now have bills, jobs, and responsibilities. That is lame. Being an adult is awesome. What I am talking about, what I am missing, is how the world felt.

I miss the ways that things once were.

Being able to stay out until the streetlights came on. Running barefoot in the grass at a park. Walking or biking wherever I needed to go, because all that I wanted to do was within that distance. Collecting up a book, a snack, and sitting in the arms of a tree. Loosing myself into the world contained within the pages. Snatching up a baseball glove and instantly having a pickup game. Walking in the woods with my brothers, finding bones and snakes, but mostly adventure. Things were different. They were better. There was a purity in the time that encapsulated all of society.

God, I sound old.

However, every day when I come home from work, there is a moment. The same moment that I spoke about in my Day 4 post, “Your Favorite Time of Day”. As my ears fill with the screaming laughter of my children, and I succumb to the endless hugs and kisses, I miss those days a little less. I see, often, that I am doing what I can to make THESE days better for my children than those days were for me. I know that this means something more. That someday, there is a chance that my children will look back on these days, and miss them. But I doubt that they will miss these days as much as I will miss having these days with them.

Live big, love bigger, and be kind, always

Day 22: The Hobby You Wish You Had.

Yet another exercise in futility. When it comes to hobbies, if it is something that interests me, I do it. Even if I am not good at it, I try. So, let us make this our own thing. One hobby that I have, that I am working towards expanding, is carpentry. I am becoming more and more adept in working on things around the house. Countless projects seem to force me to hone my skills… weekly. But, to create. To take raw materials and make something useful, beautiful, and inspiring. That is the goal for me.

I have discussed with my beloved that there will come a time which I will start projects with each child. One-on-one we will work together on something awesome. This project is aside from things like tables, chairs, fixing and mending. I want to spend time, using only hand tools, and build a small boat with each of them.

I have been following along with some channels and blogs that discuss building your own boats. There is a deep hope within me that plan on making a Tenderly 10-foot Dinghy with each child. Letting them learn how to use the hand tools, read plans, and create. Let the design speak to them, and have them learn all that they can. Then, when complete, have this time where we christen the boat, and they call it their own. Taking it out, and perhaps learning to love the water even more.

It is a hobby, and a dream.

I try not to cloud this dream with wistful hopes of perfection. I know that it will take time, and that the skills to be acquired will be demanding. But, I also understand that there is going to be so much value in the lessons that we will learn. Holding fast to the look on their faces when they put the craft into the water, I continue to work towards honing my hobby.  Perhaps, in a closer reading of my Day 21 post, their ships will be alongside ours as we begin that journey.

Live big, love bigger, and be kind, always

Day 21: A Glimpse At One Future Day

Captain’s Log, date 4/11/2032. Day 1.

During the festivities and celebration of Zoey’s 20th birthday last night, we were able to christen our Catalina 385, now calling her “Wisteria’s Rest”. It was a little bittersweet to end the night with our goodbyes, knowing what today would bring. We have begun. As we moved out of the slip, and put the rising sun to the port side, my beloved and I watched as the wind filled the mainsail. Our journey to the Cayman’s has been long awaited. The months that we have spent preparing have come to fruition.

There is something beautiful about looking out to the endless sea. Standing at the helm, cigar and good scotch, the aromas so pleasingly mixing with those of the sea. God, how I have loved the sea. But, there is something even more perfect from my vantage point. Seeing my beloved bride Kati relaxing on the deck. I am taken aback at how well she has aged over these years, ever the true mark of beauty for me. As the sun rises over the horizon, and the sky’s hue changes into the breathtaking colors, they are dull in comparison to seeing her.

I know not what this day will bring.

I know that this journey is something that she needs, something that I need. The years have been a little rough at times, but this respite is more than deserved. In good times and bad, this day has been on our hearts horizon. We have been charting this course for years, and are ready for what the sea may bring. As long as I have Kati by my side, I know we can weather it all.

Live big, love bigger, and be kind, always.

Day 20: One of Your Fears

As it should have been made evident over the last few posts, time is the essence of my fears.  One of my fears is that my time will not be well spent. I think that most parents have this fear, but seldom speak about it. I can understand why. There is something triste in mentioning fears of this nature. I mean, if everyone feels it, what is the point? But, I think that IS the point. We assume that others have the same fear, and that means that no one needs to talk about it.

Far be it for me to decry from the social norms.

Just kidding!

I am terrified about what it is going to be like for my kids when I am no longer here. I worry about making sure that they are ready.  Not for the event of my passing, but for the time after. We never know when our time is up. But the only fear of death that I have does not reside in my untimely demise, but in the pain that it may bring upon others.

I could live in fear of this time. Many that I know, do just that. Having shared in this fear, and the counter of it, I do my best. I try to resolve this fear by watching my children learn, grow, and reach new heights. I teach them. Taking on the full mantle of fatherhood, I try to be the dad that they need now, so they will not need me later.

Sucks when you think about it that way.

Oh, the counter of this fear, makes it so much worse. That I will outlive any of my children. But, nothing needs to be said on that. Honestly. In this case the norms are ok, for now.

Live big, love bigger, and be kind, always.

Day 19: Five ‘I Wish I Had’ Items

‘I Wish I Had’. Oh, this is going to be ‘fun’. Is that the operative word that one uses when creating a listicle of sorts? For the sake of brevity, it is the word that I will use, for now, to mask my disdain.

I Wish I Had More Time

This… was not a thing before I met my beloved. The desire for this was only made greater with the birth of each child. For the majority of my life, I lived for myself. I did what I could to move the needle towards the greater good, as I saw fit. However, I settled on the fact that when my time came, that was it. Granted, I still feel that way. But, now, I wish that time to be as far from this moment, and every amazing moment, as possible.

I Wish I Had More Understanding

Time on this planet is short, so we must make the most of it. We all know this. However, how do we make the most of it? There is the mantra that I close each blog post with. This quip is something that we are striving to teach our children, every day. But, one cannot live big without first understanding what it means to live small. Likewise, loving bigger requires to know and understand what small love looks and feels like. Just as being kind demands a deep understanding of the opposite. I wish that I had more understanding, things to show my children, so that they would not have to experience the brutal juxtaposition that exists in this world.

I Wish I Had the Ability to Do Nothing

Far too often I burn the candle at both ends, while it is in an oven.  The moments are very few and far between where I can just sit back, relax and do nothing. I have very dear friends, and family, that often speak to me of their worry with this matter. But, there is just something about me that want to do more. Most of my projects involve creating, and there is such a high level of catharsis in each and every one. Though I wish for the ability to do nothing, there is a large part of me that does not want it.

I Wish I Had the Unyielding Patience My Beloved Has

Of all the virtues, this one may be my slightest. I spend so much time looking at the big picture, constantly adjusting my 10 year plan. I constantly see the things that I must do to achieve the goals that I sent, and I move to make them happen (see the section above). But, I am learning. Between my beloved and my children, I am learning to wait. Unfortunately this is often taken up with working on other things while I wait (again, see above).  Regardless, I am learning.

I Wish I Had a Stronger Desire to Want More Than I Have

All for naught, I am ultimately happy with the things that I have, and those that I do not. It is my own consternation that must be dealt with. This does not mean that the above things are fanciful items. They are very, very real. But I just wish that I could want more, like so many others. Though it is never easy, I enjoy this journey, and all that I have been blessed with, and done without along the way.

Live big, love bigger, and be kind, always.

Day 18: Your Biggest Plot Twist

Simply, I am still here. Oh, but the things, the reasons, and all that this entails.

I have eluded to the simple facts that I have been through much. I am not going to delve into them here, as that is not part of the exercise. But these things, these adventures, have broken many before me. They continue to break many more each day. I have countless reasons, many more that the paltry 13 as noted in a diabolical show, why I should not be here. Something tells me that there are some of you out there that share this sentiment. Our journeys, though perhaps not intertwined, have been treacherous and daunting. The trials have contained more tribulations than joys. Yet, in the beautiful words of F. Scott Fitzgerald, “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past”. But why?

Is there some factor of unrelenting resolve that imbibes us with the strength the carry on where others find their end? Perhaps. However, I think that there is another quote that sums up an aspect that I realized early on in life. From my favorite book, as noted in my Day 3 post, Enders Game, “If you try and lose, then it isn’t your fault. But if you don’t try and we lose, then it’s all your fault”. See there is something defying in this quote. It is not all around the aspect of trying. That is mundane and overused. It is in acceptance that if you try and fail… it is not your fault.

My Reasons Why Not.

Then there is my beloved and my children. Any one of them would outweigh any of the 13+ reasons why. Granted, I have not had them during most of the crap that I have been through. Yet, I held fast to the hope that I had. Faithful to the belief that, one day, I would have these people in my life. Had I bent the knee to ANY of the dire situations that I have found myself in, I would not have this reward.

I have known failure and defeat more often than I let on. However, I have learned never to let something defeat me. For the reward for making it through is not just a story, or a scar, but may be waiting at the counter of a Halloween Store.

Live big, love bigger, and be kind, always.

Day 17: It Makes You Anxious When…

Anxious: experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event of something with an uncertain outcome.

I would be lying if I said I never felt anxious. However, it is important to note that most of these moments have been in the last six years and 15 days. Why such an exact number? It was 2,207 days ago that my beloved and I found out that we were going to be parents. Since that very moment, after the realization washed away to jubilant praise, my propensity to feel anxious has increased, tenfold.

Upon numerous occasions my breathing has stopped, my heart as ceased beating, and time has frozen as the anxious waves crashed over me. Fatherhood is not for the weak of heart. Every time that Zoey has gone through surgery, I become anxious. All of the many first steps that David has taken, it is there. Every time that Jacob tries to walk, I can feel it trying to force my hands out to catch him. Every bump, fall, bruise, scrape, it is there. I would love to tell you that, over time, it gets better.

Anxious Is As It Does

I really would love to tell you that. Yet, every time that I feel like I am going to get a handle on it… we have a new member of the family going through it. Having three kids five and under means there is always someone learning to climb, walk, run, ride, run, and swim. Perhaps in about 18 years I will be able to breathe again.

But, here is the cool part, this is also part of what makes fatherhood so awesome. Understanding that these are the things that make one anxious, and powering through them. These moments that make my heart stop mean my celebration over each achievement is genuine. When I clap and cheer, picking up my child, they can see the exaltation on my face. So, I kind of dig it when I feel anxious. It usually means something awesome is happening.

Live big, love bigger, and be kind, always.