Late night reading… an interruption to the long post…

My wife and I were laying in bed reading… okay, so SHE was reading and I was packing my gym back for tomorrow BEFORE getting in bed to read myself to sleep… happy now? Anyway, she was reading a book that she has not read in a LONG time (I DO NOT say this as to make my blushing bride sound old) and she came across something that she wanted to share with me.  After hearing it, and reeling in the wake left by it… I share it with you, my dear readers…

Also, it TOTALLY goes with the long post… or at least I think that it does.  Enjoy:

“It’s hard to explain, exactly, in words but I feel there is a voice down inside of me, inside all of us.  Call it God speaking to us, call it the soul, call it conscience or whatever you like.  If we turn to it, we can find help in knowing how to make the most of our lives.  But that voice doesn’t speak very loud.  If we aren’t still, if we don’t provide solitude for listening- if we don’t try to listen, then we can’t hear it.  It’s easy to drown out that voice. Just the bustle and noise of everyday living can drown it out.  A man can be so busy making a living, he puts off making his life. And then one day he wakes up and finds he’s too old, and it’s too late.” –From the book, The Family Nobody Wanted by Helen Doss.

Fellow readers…

Words.

Words taken right out of my heart, from the depths of my trembling soul and placed on paper.

By the hand of someone else.

Spoken by the lips of the woman I love, right back to my soul.

Truth.

I AM GOING TO BE A DAD, I am scared out of my mind, and late at night when my wife and I are reading different books, she will come across something that compels her to share it with me… and it speaks to my soul.

It is the fear that will make you a good father………

Let me start by saying that this is something that I have heard MANY times since we found out that we were going to be parents.  Now, the rational side of me KNOWS that this is the truth, that the fear of being a horrible father (and my personal definition of such) should be enough for me not to become one.  I also understand that I have had and currently have excellent role models, and that basing my actions on how they have reacted or are reacting is an excellent start.  So, I am not faulting this statement, as much as it may appear that I am going to.  What I am faulting is simply that this is THE statement.  You would hope that in today’s society, with the level of openness that we have these days (think about it, you are reading this either on my actual blog or on my facebook, both of which are open to the masses if they were looking for me, for information on me, or for the things going on with my life…. We DID NOT have this 30 years ago, let alone a decade ago) that there would be more communication between fathers and the men that are terrified that they are not going to be good enough.  Not good enough to lead this child through the good and the bad, to discipline correctly and wisely, to be the father figure that we want our boys to become and our girls to marry, and not to mention the actual act of parenting (changing diapers, tending to the sick, touching their hearts).  I started this blog as a chance to vent the simple fact that I am scared out of my mind about what I deem as legitimate things that I am going to have to go through.  That I can go to the bookstore, or onto my beloved kindle, and find 7850 books about motherhood, but only 3299 about fatherhood?  I do recognize that there are some fathers out there willing to part with ANY advice that they have gleaned off their days, weeks, months, or years of parenting experience, and I thank them with all of my heart and my broken soul.  To them I want to say, you are being read, watched, heard, and I thank you for it.  But, I can watch my wife mention the fact that she is pregnant and the advice stats cascading down like the rains of hurricane Irene, knocking down the floodgates and overwhelming her.  As horrible as I make that sound, it is not.  It is an awesome and amazing thing to see and BOTH she and I appreciate every little tidbit of advice that we receive, do not let it stop… please.  But, here I am left in the torrent of this fear wondering if there is something wrong with me BECAUSE I AM SCARED!  I feel that it takes a MAN to admit when he is terrified about something, and to do it in such an open forum, I should be getting kudos.  I do get kudos from my wife, she finds it touching and as a vented window to let her know some of the things that I am working through.  But, where is my hurricane of information that overwhelms me?  It is all lost in the phrase “it is that fear that will make you a good father”.   It is my hope that through my tiny voice in this expansive blogosphere that perhaps there might be some that are looking for the words that I have to share about my fears, and that they can find some peace in them.  This is also written in hopes that someday, God willing, if I have a son, that he will read this and learn more about what his father thought when he was one his way, and if I have a daughter that she will have some insight as to what her father thinks it takes to be a man.

I AM GOING TO BE A DAD and I am scared out of my mind.